Coffee & Anxiety

A Clever Take on a Vincent Van Gogh Classic Painting

Yeah right, try “caffeine-induced acute paranoia”. That’s what I call the panic attacks I get from coffee, caffeinated soft drinks, and energy drinks. Especially if I’ve had more than a serving size beyond a cup.

In the morning I have coffee every day. There are times I must travel. That’s when I realize how paranoid I can get. 

I’m also a bipolar schizophrenic so it truly fucks with my head when my energy is elevated. By headfucked I mean my eyes will play tricks on me. My ears will hear people who aren’t there. 

My doctors would tell me to lower my caffeine intake. But fuck, I already take sleeping pills. Without caffeine I’d never get out of bed on time to do anything productive in daylight.

Acute paranoia. I don’t live in a panic bubble, it comes and goes. Just like energy.

I wonder what it would be like to wake up early in the day, not drink coffee, eat a good meal for energy, do the work I give myself, and when the day is over I get to sleep at a decent hour.

But it cannot be.

I can try to be sane with what I have, but I’m not qualified to abruptly drop medication, caffeine, and redo my sleep schedule based on overproduction of adrenaline. Which is basically a panic attack…

I thought I would see the source of panic attacks being heightened activity, not my physiology and the changes I make to it. But if you have any stock in the theory of personal responsibility, the blame is on me. 

I drank the coffee.

I drank the energy drink.

I snorted the cocaine (what?).

Ok, maybe I didn’t take any coke, but I know that when I’m afraid of crashing at cruising speeds without other cars around, I’ve either had too much of the home brew or my disorder shows more obvious symptoms when the energy in my diet grows past a certain threshold.

I wish I knew what the limit was.

That I didn’t need coffee so much.

That I wasn’t a bipolar schizophrenic without a dietitian lol

Anyway, be well.

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