Today, I just felt like ending it. For a good 30 seconds.
I felt like I had been wasting away. And for a large part, it’s true…
Look, I’m not one to lie to himself, so let’s lay it all out on the table.
I’m out of work.
I don’t drive.
I just hit 3 months of sobriety (again) and I truly get why every new season I relapse. It’s because I don’t take care of my life.
I leave it in others hands. And in the words of the band Incubus, “…I’m beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel.”
If I simplify this dilemma – I’ve atrophied.
After I quit my job in 2019, I let myself go.
I would later apply to a costumer service job that I couldn’t pull the trigger on. Never started actual work with them.
Then, my biggest failure was realizing that I couldn’t hack it at a bakery doing prep work. The pace, the correction, the skills taught in one minute and then repeated like reciting a script you only read once a thousand times.
And I quit my third job in two years.
It’s not like me.
It’s not me.
I went from being an asset in the environment, to a liability within it.
So I broke down today. But instead of tapping out, I grabbed a book and escaped into it.
A few chapters later, and I grabbed a pick me up.
A cup of coffee.
A light snack.
There’s a picture I took on my phone of my white board the other day.
I realized that I had found a very worthy solution to the question of purpose.
It’s the picture at the top of this blog post.
If that hypothesis is correct, then of course I feel like crap sitting in a messy room at my messy desk drinking beer day after day on a nearly empty stomach.
That’s the environment. Or at least it was, until today.
No podcast to do on Sunday.
A Sunday that I had an evening cup of joe and as a result, enough time and enough energy to clean the f* up around here.
I don’t have to drink every day. So I won’t. I pledge no drinks for a full week starting now.
Also, I have enough sage to burn some at the end of each week. That’s another pledge. We’ll make that another Sunday thing.
Also, I upgraded the lighting in my “office”, and it’s so much better.
Anyway, I encourage you to try out my hypothesis on yourself, and see if you find yourself worried about your purpose in life after doing something about your environment.
Something truly necessary for your environment.
I feel much better now!