I feel rare.
This will not be easy to explain.
But here it goes.
There are few men in my family that have children. Very few. So few, in fact, that if we look on my great grandmother’s children, 1 boy and 3 girls, two of the women had children, while one, and the son, had none. All four of them have sadly passed away.
Of the two, my great aunt had 3 children, one of them had two girls and a boy. Only the girls have children. The son later chose the life of a woman. Of these children, one girl had an only son, and the other, two daughers and a boy. These children are yet to conceive.
The other, my immediate grandmother, had just my mother, an only daughter. Who in turn had six. 3 boys, 3 girls.
My sisters all have children. One has 3 toddlers, two boys and a girl. The other two have preteens, one sister has a boy, the other a girl.
My two brothers are as of yet childless. One having sworn himself to the same sex, the other having sworn off having a family or anything of the sort. What a player…
Then there’s me, with my 2 sons.
I say it all to say, that our family has no patriarch. We are abundant with matriarchs- they still speak to us and to each other. But the men have such low opinions of fatherhood that they’d rather stay out of reach. Or the very sad and possible nightmare that our fathers have been refused their children.
But this wasn’t meant to be no sad song.
I’ve written much of that before.
Right now, I feel rare.
I feel like I have a duty to see my grandchildren. So I’ve got to stick around for about 20 years at least. This way I can fulfill my dream of giving advice from a recliner to the men in my family. Pow wows in the living room. So on and so forth.
I think the difference between my brothers and I is that after I got over the anger of him not being around when I needed him, I understood that if he wasn’t dead then I could still see him one day. That perhaps foolish hope kept me loving my father. Awaiting his advice one day.
Who knows, perhaps I’m meant to be the father I wish to see in the world. If not, then hopefully the grandfather I wish to see.