A Shit I Took

I sat down, and right away- like the first firecracker on the 4th of July, but I was waiting for the second splash. The diver with nerves who can never breach the surface quietly enough.

That’s when I spread my cheeks over the toilet seat. We’ll get some goddamn splash now.

Why do people say they’re dropping kids off at a pool during this task?

Some parents! They’ll never see those kids again!

They say they’re praying to the porcelain god, but if he’s swallowing the kids you brought to the pool, what does that make him?

A porcelain… monster.

But back to the splashes. 

You know, you never want your ass to become a bidet. I didn’t know how to spell that until right now. Thanks to Google, I didn’t say “you never want your ass to become a buddy”.

Here’s my point with the splashes and it’s just this: they let you know when the shit is over. All they have to do is disappear.

I’m not gonna hang out on some white monster’s mouth if I’m not hearing any splash!

Be Well!

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