I am better at trying than I am at succeeding lately. Plenty of opportunities arose from a challenge between my sister and I that had the aim of getting me a job after the recent end of unemployment benefits. The challenge was simple: Put in 15 applications and you get 2 packs of cigarettes.
“You’re on,” I said.
15 applications later I got my packs. The applications themselves held another challenge. Do I take the job offers? Am I ready?
Some I rejected for disinterest reasons. Some rejected me based on the background check or other reasons. Then there were the ones I highly wanted, but the problem wasn’t the job, it was my readiness.
I have been dealing with a tooth extraction for two weeks now. It isn’t healing properly and the pain hasn’t let up. Add to that how little sleep I’ve been getting as the weather turned cold and the intermittent heat pattern of the thermostat has kept me waking up shivering every two hours. A difficulty made worse by the space heater I bought to help with this which apparently isn’t to be left on while one sleeps and has led to cold sweats and overheating in bed.
It’s been hectic trying to deal with these issues. On the call with my therapist that should have been weekly, schedules determined it had to skip a week – nevertheless – when we spoke, I broke down and cried about the pressure, pain, and loneliness of the entire month of October.
It was great to have such space to let the reality of my feelings have their outlet. I realized I hadn’t been writing much either and figured that once I did, I would have the organization of mind to be able to know what the next move should be.
There are some applications that have survived and those I look forward to prying work out of. I think my tooth could be infected, but instead of avoiding the dentist as usual, and since my insurance refuses to cover more pain medication stating that the issue should have lasted so long and that “prior authorization” is required for more… I’ll be seeing my dentist first thing in the morning, quite honestly.
As for therapeutic work, I was to lay out what a year would look like if I followed the plans I had made in my depression, and what one would be like if I followed healthier paths.
I realized I could probably get my school loans dropped through what’s called a Total and Permanent Disability discharge (TPD), requiring proof of disability and an application mailed, faxed, or emailed to those concerned. How long it would be before I could borrow again is unclear, but my credit would look better and I may be eligible for federal grants if not loans soon after the discharge is approved. (One of my sisters has debt customer service experience.)
Were I back in school, a lot of stress would be alleviated by the fact that I was actually doing work I enjoyed. Despite my psychological handicap I am an avid learner. It has given me quite the edge to master a subject when presented with little information for problems that contain various solutions. I can only imagine what more information can solve for my life.
If things go truly well, I can fulfill my dream of a lifelong education starting with a bachelor’s degree and then on my deathbed I’ll probably be trying to decipher the possibility of how to record the sound barrier being broken in the space between the moon and the earth’s atmosphere. Or perhaps attempting to record such data in zero gravity.
Or something else I can imagine within the perspective I have while in college.
One of the things I learned from reading the work of Bruce Lee, is to find balance while in motion, not always in stillness.