Sick, Mental, Absolutely Mad.

Sick. Mental. Mad. Off his rocker. Screws loose. Afflicted. Nuts. Cah…razy.

My mental disorder means a lot about me, but one word I haven’t used to describe myself yet is: sick.

Yet it’s the truth. I’m sick in the head. I literally am treating the sickness with prescription antipsychotic medications. Do you know what it takes for a medication to be anti-something?

It means your body can’t fight it off without the help of additional treatments.

I have a therapist, a psychiatrist, a primary care physician, three go-to hospitals, one clinic and two pharmacies. That’s my medical support system.

What am I sick with, you may ask. Good question. 

Bipolar schizophrenia:

Mania. Depression. Hallucination. Insomnia. Anxiety.

Is it any wonder I need cigarettes, coffee, and a beer every now and then?

With God’s help, I don’t suffer from an addiction beyond those three. That’s a past life.

Am I sick? Yes.

Am I getting better? Yes.

Will I heal? Not completely. There is still no cure for either diagnosis, bipolar disorder or schizophrenia.

But it could be worse. Usually when you’re sick, your body reacts to infection. Instead of infection, my brain is, for lack of a better term; out of order. And no one knows how it got that way. What threw the switch? When did the brain stop functioning in an organized fashion and begin to jump, stall, involuntarily invent, stay alert at night, and panic?

Therein lies the true illness. 

As for causes, it could have been the lengthy heartache or it could possibly be the very first lengthy homelessness. It could have been the time I was homeless and took strange DMT and ended up curled up, in the fetal position and in an empty underground parking lot in the middle of the night, hallucinating and trying unsuccessfully to get to sleep.

So if there are screws loose in my head, there are clear markers on the roadmap of my life that have more or less “drilled” the screws nearly out.

Some of this information is for myself and my medical support only, but more than that, I’d like to speak to any scientist studying either bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. As a well-treated patient, I have a lot to share with Science.

Be Well.